off day day off

Dear Norman,
hahaaaaaaaha well, I for sure, certainly succeeded in completely wasting this day. It's really not that bad, I kind of earned it. My days off are rare lately. I'm not working a bad amount of hours but I do usually work at least one job/day.



I'm having baileys and coffee and I'm going to go to Nic show's at the Rivoli in a bit here and get my energies up somehow. Comeonnnn coffeee.
oh shit, I just found some baileys chocolates as well....


(at Mrs. and Arrow's Christmas party)

Went to Hoops last night with Carla Ghee and some of our other pals and I was sitting in the basically empty pub in a row at the bar with two dudes who hadn't joined there before and they were like "this is like a living room. only the best living room ever with a very attentive mom"
basically.
The two bartenders I've had so far are sooo nice. One is from last year but one is new. They are the sweetest and like my jokes.
Also Carla Ghee and I were super happy to have a completely brandnew audience of pals last night for our hockey jokes. We've been killing it lately with the jokes but it's okay we'll tell you all of them when you're back and it'll be like it's fresh all over again for you.

Norman, I had a weird thought the other day. Why (IN THE HELL) do I get involved with/stay involved with people I don't genuinely like as much as I like my best friends? Have we talked about this before? Maybe.
I've been thinking about it now that I'm home with Cpt. Heh more often and I love him sooo much and am happy to see him and think he's funny and excellent. I would never worry about bringing him out with buds or worry he wasn't handsome enough/funny enough. I'm proud to be seen with him.
Quick clarification: I am not in love with Cpt. and neither is he with me. I'm using him as an example because I feel like men are different than women and here is a man who is one of my favourite people.
Why do I consider making romantic interests a priority who aren't as good as my best friends?

A shit thing about involvements is that they pretty much take over in terms of importance and time and obligation. And we give our time and energy to these people who frequently end up being not worth it. Whywhywhyyyy

Okay, I'm in a nasty bit of mood. Not about any of that. Just in general! A general nasty little mood!


(adventure cat adventure cat!)


(little cousin so so cute) (also the funniest and sweetest. along with her beautiful siblings, of course.)



It's so rainy out and what kind of jacket am I supposed to wear? it's so cold.
When I was younger in Saskatoon in the summertime I'd borrow my mum's giant yellow rain cape and sit in the yard for what seemed like hours (but was probably only 15 minutes) watching the rain and pretending to be jane goodall.
hahaaa I don't remember why I thought I was like Jane Goodall considering there were 100% no chimps or apes in my backyard whatsoever. Something to do with that documentary my mum and I had watched at one point, I guess.


(Christmas eve birthday outfit featuring double-tights. it was soo so cold this Christmas in Saskatoon. Also, that's my current favourite outfit. no contest.)

Also when I was younger I for sure thought I would stand still long enough with birdseed on my hands for long enough to have the sparrows and chickadees come rest on my fingertips but I have no patience for anything I'm not immediately good at (explains my success in life) and so that, also, was short-lived.


(Christmas morning face.)

Does anyone have any friends I can stay with in Paris or in a seaside english town?
No?
Hmmm. I have decisions to make and imagine if I just had money? Then everything would be simple and life would be perfect.
I don't like to admit to being worried about money which is hilarious because I really should be!

I hope I am never too proud to wear depends.


OKAY BYEEEE NOW BYE BYE BYE

hoops and jokes

Dear Norman,
sometimes when I growl low and in my throat to myself late at night (it happens semi-frequently) and I'm drunk (also frequently) I feel a bit nervous. Ha! I'm bad at knowing where the beasts are.
hopefully.

We won tonight! I know you were at a sports bar on the prairies but I was at our beloved, most loved, top loved, Hoops. And I honestly feel a bit bad for how much I love Hoops considering how for pretty much 26 years of my life I DID NOT like sports and had NO INTEREST in sports and now I just feel most at home perched up on my high stool at the marble bar of Hoops. The glow of the big screen is tender and the bartenders like my jokes and I feel... safe. I feel warm and comforted. It's so ridiculous.
And also, I love our hockey team. I just think they're so nice. I don't like when they make smug faces or act like little bruisers because it hurts my feelings. Like, "I have your back, so you be nice"
I feel like with my public support and my trying to be a good person they owe me to try to be nice guys.
HAHAAHAHAHHAAHAAAAA hahahah professional athletes are the worst.

I was supposed to go a couple of different places tonight but I didn't want to. I just wanted to smile and sigh in a bar made of TVs. It was nice being on my own. I really watched the game and looked at the internet a bit and ate fries. Dream life. I did not feel the slightest bit weird being there on my own. Probably how you've felt in the past..?

Nic recommended I read Just Kids by Patti Smith and so that's taking up another bit of my focus.
I love personal stories. I think I actually only like things that are at least a little based on real life.

It looks like my friend from Saskatoon, who I'm sure I've nicknamed here but I can't remember now, is going to come to Paris with me for a minute or two. And we're going to go see Louis CK in London, I think! She's at Oxford right now and it'll be her break when I go there so I'm excited to see her and maybe visit her school!
I need to remember that I really want to go see local comedy in London.
I want to see comedy all the time.
I'm in love with how fucking funny the world is, and how funny everyone I know is. And I'm excited to keep learning about humour and comedy and how it all plays out.
I used to be worried that if I were to be a comedian I'd have to be so busy keeping track of all the funny bits and all the jokes and I'd never have time to enjoy them. I've also worried that if someone (especially a woman, for whatever various reasons) is a comedian they'll never be allowed to do serious dramatic work.
I now think that's a bullshit worry. LET'S ALL JUST TELL OUR STORIES. Let's tell our stories in the most honest ways possible with different slants or pointing out different things and it's just the details or reactions or situations that decide if it's drama or humour.
I love living.
I hope I get to be alive forever and ever. I hope I always appreciate this life.

miss you!!!

dearest, dearest,

One of my BFFs, Norman, is away for a few months doing a play in Calgary and Edmonton (if you're there go! It's The Kite Runner. Report back.) but I know that he usually reads my blog.
And I've been having a hard time getting around to writing in here. So maybe if I make it letters to Norman these days it'll give it clearer structure or something?
We'll see.

Dear Norman, 

I can't believe we've been apart more than a month already. This seems unreasonable. I'm not really interested in continuing our separation. 

I guess the only upside is that this month has passed quickly and maybe that means that the next two months (and a bit) will go quickly. 

Things are excellent around here. 

Hockey is finally back (as you well know!) and Carla Ghee and I went to Hoops on Sunday to watch our sweet little darling babies. I had almost forgotten just how funny Carla Ghee and I are while watching hockey. It's like hockey is built for us to make jokes about/during/because of. I don't know what it is but I liiiike it. We were joined by her main man a little later on and DON'T WORRY, he's still a handsome fuck. And Carla Ghee is just as beautiful as they day I first laid eyes on her. 

I'm working so, so, so much. No, that's not as true as it was before Christmas, but I'm busy. Very busy. 

I'm doing the second level of the longform improv program at the Second City training centre and I'm loving it very much. Well, some weeks. Some weeks it's very hard. But the hard parts usually end in me being eeeeven better. 

I'm at a place with my improv right now where I think I could be genuinely excellent at it if I had the time and money to devote myself to it full-time. I mean, if I didn't work evenings and instead took a couple of classes a week, saw shows allll the time, and did at least one show, maybe more (yes, this is how improvisers live. all improv all the time.) then I think I'd be great. I don't have that luxury right now, unfortunately. 

I'm still good, though. Better than ever, really. With minor ups and downs. 

London and Paris so, so soon! I'll be back from there when you're back. It'll be over so quickly. 

I've started slightly panicking about how it'll be the best thing in my life and how then I'll want to devote myself to travel and I'll want to never come home. I hope I don't get overwhelmed by melancholy while I'm there, just thinking about how many I'll never be able to go back.

Of course I'll go back. I might as well travel the world! 

I'm just on the cusp of getting to be excellent at so many things, I'm not worried, really. 

I've also been working quite hard lately (and in the last couple of years) to not be someone who wallows in sadness or stays down for longer than necessary. I love being sad, don't get me wrong, but there's no point to it so much of the time! 

I was thinking about traveling a bit around Europe, not just seeing London and Paris but now I'm leaning towards spending most of my time in just those two. I'd like to have a chance to really wander around a see a bit of it. I don't want to have to rush about. I won't, in fact! I won't rush about. I've been spending lots of time looking at possible hostels and air b'n'bs. I think I'll end up getting an air b'n'b in Paris. I like the idea of staying in an apartment, and every hostel I looked at had at least one really neg review. I'm not uptight by any means, and I'm probably the least germophobic person I know, but I will want some time alone and a door to close, I bet. 

I love being by myself. 

I've been weeping over my excitement. Which is good. Anticipation is 9/10s of enjoyment. Something like that! 

This is the air b'n'b I'm leaning towards: https://www.airbnb.ca/rooms/566341, it's up 7 flights of stairs and has only a squat toilet in the upstairs hallway! hahaaahaaa amazing?! 

Hmmmm. I've got to get started planning the bachelorette party and bridal shower for my best friend, Violet. She's getting married in May and that's also so soon and I really want her to have the most excellent time but also she has no interest in planning this sort of thing plus she's a busy lawwwwyyyyer so she doesn't have all day. 

It's pleasing because having all this to plan and the wedding coming up and everything is making sure we talk to each other and hang out sometimes, which it seems we never get to do enough. 

I love her and she's going to be such a pretty little bride, I'll probably just try to marry her myself. 

Just kidding? 

I watched two romantic comedies tonight and my roommate, Cpt. Heh, made me dinner. Then my other roommate, Turkey Bird, came home with TWO gluten-free treats she shared with me. Above waffles are from Cpt. Heh a few days ago. My roommates have been bringing me so many treats it's like having several boyfriends who are excellent because they mostly leave me to my own devices and don't mind if I text babes all day. 

Why is my life so excellent? 

Dunno, man. 

Also, Cpt. Heh told me that he likes my current hairs better than any of these wigs that I spent too much time trying on at work. Awwww. If this were a romantic comedy Cpt. Heh and I would fall in love. I think it's a bit because you're away, Norman, that I've been extra into hanging out with Cpt. Heh. I need more boy-time!! Also I love Cpt. Heh so, so much. I always forget how funny he is. Really a riot. 

I probably have, like, a billion things to tell you but I'm running out of time but I do like this format for right now, so maybe I'll be inspired to blog more! (probably not)

Anyway, I miss you Norman (and everyone else who is reading this) and I hope you are well (same to you, other readers). 

Oh yeah, also, this is a dog I met and she belongs to our friends who I forget what they are nicknamed on here but they are handsome boys who date each other and kind of look alike. She's soooooo cute like a muppet and her name is Patsy. 

I'm really into dogs lately. Don't let me forget to walk Kaya tomorrow! 

Byeeeeee 

hi hi hi
I only have a few moments until my mother's computer decides to shut itself off. So maybe this will never be posted. I am doing laundry. Free laundry. Many perks to Saskatoon, apparently!

I'm drinking a beer. Do I need this beer? No! Am I on holidays? Yes!

This is maybe the first time I feel like I've really earned a holiday in quite, quite awhile. I love sleeping and lying around reading, that's for sure!



Saskatoon is so ridiculously beautiful this year that it seems almost fake or made up. The hoar frost, man.
It's nice being back and seeing everyone, but I'm homesick for Toronto as well. I'm here for the right amount of time. Maybe a couple days longer would be okay, but I am looking forward to being back where I can walk everywhere, back where I know everyone, back in my bed, back hanging out with my buds.

We had a lovely Christmas, though. Very successful with many beautiful gifts and too much to pack into my suitcase, as per usual. I've been balancing out my laziness with lunches and dinners with old friends and trying not to get overwhelmed by family.
Old friends really know you, which is a treat. Hahaa, if they're good friends, I mean.



So, it's official. I'm going to England/Paris in March. I cannot afford this in any capacity!!! It is a terrible idea! Why did it happen? Well, I talked about it too much and I'm done with being one of those people who is always talking about things and never doing them. and then I found a roundtrip flight to London that was something like $830 all in and then, whoops, I booked it!
AAAADDDDVVVEEEENNNTTTTUUUURRRREEEE

Airbnb better come through for me. I'm going mostly on my own, though one of my favourite friends has a place in London he has kindly offered me a bed for some nights! Oh how lucky of a little lady, I am! 
I'm kind of shook with excitement about how fun going to Paris on my own will be. At first I was upset to not have a travel-mate, but now I feel pleased that I'll be rascal-ing around Paris on my own like a little imp in peace!




Okay, the computer ran out of patience for me so I'm finishing this up on my phone. Too much effort!
Let's talk again soon, BYEEE.

it's just always playing catch-up around here

(this is maybe my favourite picture I've taken recently)

I didn't have internet for a few days there!! it was the worst! I hated it so much and now I'm so behind on all my stories but maybe I'll quit watching my stories until after Christmas because I have SO MUCH to do and so many work shifts and SO many crafts to make and we have netflix on our TV now and there must be some Christmas movies on there? Right? Which ones? Any?


Look, Prune and I accidentally dressed like twins! we hadn't seen each other in a couple of months, even. And that's what happens. Classic.
We went to see Metric the other night at the ACC. I never get to go there as a guest so it was a pretty big treat. We also got to drink after the show with everyone in the upstairs club on account of I kind of know a couple of the dudes from that band from when we went to the cottage years and years ago and I ran into them last week and got pulled into partying forever with them:


I got carried around for awhile, I think? I also had the worst hangover of this year the whole next day and I'm pretty sure I announced to them that it was okay to party forever but I'd just QUIT MY JOB THE NEXT DAY DON'T WORRY LET'S GO TO AN AFTERPARTY.
Luckily I did not after party. Luckily. And I went to work, like a semi-responsible adult.

Also my outfit was beyond dumb (those earrings with that sweatshirt!), so big congrats to them for still being nice to me!



I love Cpt. Heh so, so much still. Which is good. Yesterday I made him go to the Christmas tree lot with me and carry home a tree!
(actually it was his idea, more. Which is great!)

I was very, very pleased. I've never had a tree this early, actually this is my VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS TREE, really! We decorated last year but we didn't have an actual tree, but this year Turkey Bird and I are both so into Christmas it would be dumb not to have one!
I was very handy last night and widened the cheap new tree-stand's holes with a drill all by myself and also sawed off the bottom branches of the tree with a bread knife! I wanted it to be all nice when Turkey Bird came home!
I forgot she was getting in late and I got a text in the middle of the night that said:
"OMG that tree is amazing"
and then:
"Our tree. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">hahaahaahahaaaa awww so beautiful I could weep.

I don't know when we're going to decorate it but we're going to do lots of craft ornaments like strung popcorn and cranberries which my mother NEVER lets me put on her tree. And orange slices and hopefully salt dough and gingerbread ornaments as well. I'm very, very interested in that!

Liiiike, maybe I lay under the tree for a bit last night.

my roommate, Turkey Bird, on her birthday wearing a party hat that Cheespie knitted for her! So cute!

Love a good Dirty Thirty!


this is what I look like most days at my office job when I'm sitting at my desk.

I got new glasses. They're alright but now that I'm devoted full-time to being good-looking (hahaaaaa) I hate hate wearing glasses. None of them are my favourite. I feel like a frump no matter what.


Look at this face I hang out with lots.



A big, big problem I'm having these days is that now when I don't feel like wearing make-up or doing my hair or putting on nice clothes I feel waaay worse than I ever did before.
Oh god, life is tough, I know.
Does that medium make sense, though?


This hat has changed my life. I think my life will become divided into two parts: Before Hat and After Hat.
Just kidding?
But it is a strange hat that has powers maybe, but I'm not sure how good those powers are?
I actually have way more to say about this but not right this minute because I don't have the time.





Wow, okay, good. You're updated a little bit then. I wear heels now sometimes. That's also a thing. A weird thing.
I like it for now. 

cold and cuddle season

I've been fighting a cold for about a week but for some reason last night/today it decided to get all up my business.


okay I'll post some pictures of myself on the internet.



I was in a cab the other night with a date and the date had a fierce beard and the long hairs and the cab driver was actually super concerned that this old man was kidnapping him. Even after I explained that the date was 9 months younger than me the cab driver kept insisting "look how old you are, look how young she is!" trying to show us in the rear view mirror to prove his point.


A crush of mine asked me a few weeks ago (a question he got from an online dating site), "what makes for a better relationship, dedication or passion?"
On account of I knew him and what he'd say and what he'd want to hear, I said, "well, only assholes would answer "passion" since passion fades and it's dedication that makes things work"
Of course of course of course of course.
Except if there was never any passion, then... there's no point to the dedication. It kills me when people try to commit to things and fully invest in places where there's no BIG NEWS (at least in the beginning).

There are two lines from Bright Eyes songs that get continually stuck in my head and this is one:
This weather has me wanting love more tangible

It's cold out and it gets dark so early,  and it's hard not to want to bed-in and cuddle-down and find someone to hold on to.

I'm not sure of what kind of dedicated love I'd be, but I assume I'd be good at it, if there were enough passion to start out with. I base my guess on how I care for my friends, how much I want to do anything for them and just know them forever. I base my guess on how I'd like to be a great love some day.

These days, though, my main talent is dedicating myself only to situations that aren't worth it or (especially) to people who aren't quite available.

I just took some nighttime cold medicine and just noticed I spent five minutes smoothing my hair over my face and eyes. So... that's good.
I apologize if none of this makes sense.

I think part of why interacting with people all the time tires me out so much is that I get distracted by how much good we all mean but there are so many ways it goes bad.
I'm constantly dissecting conflicts and interactions and choosing sides and changing my mind and running over what I would do or what they should do or how to go about life.
I'd like a minute for my brain to quiet itself.
I'd like to be the kind of person who doesn't care about relationships between humans, or arts, or creativity, or what things mean...

Let's all just lie around and listen to Joanna Newsom until we fall asleep, yes?

bits and vids

too many things to count on all my hands, I'll tell you that for free.
so many things going on.

whenever I sit down to write a blog it's forsure because I'm trying to avoid working on a bigger project. So, in a way blog updates are bad news. But I do apologize because I miss having a regular blog and keeping updated.


I'm always late posting pictures. But Dollface's family Thanksgiving this year was really excellent. I feel lucky that her family still lets me come! Her grandmother is my role-model, she buys giant easy-grip bottles of rye. Is that reason enough? Probably!



pants-free Thanksgiving. Super, super cute.
As much as I want a baby less than I have since being maybe 17, I am still super affected by little guys sometimes. Especially working the kids' shows at the theatre. The extreme amounts of cute are almost hard to take. I feel stressed out by kids' vulnerability.


Here's the tattoo that Dollface's bro drew for me to get. Perfection.


I think these are from the same weekend? Maybe. Got free tickets to a basketball game that I didn't have to work. Nice to be the one drinking the Smirnoff Ice instead of serving it foreverandever!



I fucking miss hockey. Don't get me started.


I'm still pretty much a relationship expert.

BYEEEEEEEE NOW.

(p.s. less than 2 months til christmas if you want to know what to get me, look here: pinterest.com/ohmistletoe/things-to-buy-for-me-as-gifts/ !!!!!)

he holds the golden books makes the rules

eeeeevery time I think I'm about to be less busy, then WHOOPS, no I'm not.
Not in a bad way, no siree.

(Here I am tearing up at Mrs. and Arrow's wedding. what a lovely day. So fleeting, this life.
It's really unreal how quickly it all slips by.)

I have been feeling less fantastic than what's become usual.
In fact, the other night I watched Downton Abbey and cried hard for half an hour, then set myself on fire.
Haaa, well, I mean, Cpt. Heh was making pasta (with butter-cheese sauce inspired by Honey Boo Boo's family recipe for "Sketti" [sauce=butter and ketchup] which was a massive failure because all the cheese just went a ball. a ball swimming in butter. ahahahaaaa so gross/good?) and I leaned across the stove to get some vitamin b (still up in that for sure) and set my scarf on fire and didn't notice for a moment or two until it had time to get a pretty big flame going.
Guess the property manager should fix the heat so I don't have to wear pashminas all day all night forever.

My other roommate, Slippers, told me that he thought I was a naturally busy person, but NO, GUYS. I'm the kind of person who used to need so much time alone, I used to not leave the house for days at a time. Now it's not at all unusual to be out of the house for 12 hours a day for a few days in a row.
Having fun. Too much fun to resist.

(looooooove this!) (good showcase of my hairdo I did it myself and I was pretty okay with it)

Today I did one very, very fun improv workshop and then I did a set as a part of Big City Improv Fest at the last minute, which was very, very fun.
I start a long-form improv class in a couple of weeks and have another workshop this weekend. Aaaand I have a couple of new teams/projects in the works. Pleased!

I had a bit of a reaction against improv (and maybe especially the whole community/who I felt like I was there/the extremity of it all) after finishing up the conservatory at Second City. It's weird to be so fully immersed in that world. I had to remember that I like other things. So many other things, I like!
But now, after this respite, I'm so wonderfully excited for improv again. I've heard from many other improvisers that they've also gone through times of removing themselves from it for a bit. It's necessary sometimes.

(This one just kills me, I love these two a ridiculous amount. And Mrs's dad is so cute here! He's a preist!)

(I was in charge of holding the golden book! Which it didn't occur to me that it was a bible until way later. Classic.)

okay okay okay okay now:
sleep
theatre office
dog walk
skydome
comedy bar
(brief snooze)
theatre office
comedy bar
theatre
assumably comedy bar
SLEEP
good. good good goooood gooood gooood.