5.16.2014

May 16


Turkey Bird is out so I'm certainly playing this song on repeat and singing and planning for Montreal next week.

Last time I went to Montreal was three years ago! That seems unacceptable. It's so close and so beautiful.

Also, this is an entry from the last time and from it:
"We went to see some Sunday night improv last night on Ste. Catherine and there was one guy who was sooo appealing because of how much energy he had and how strong and funny he was.
I should probably start doing improv again, hey? OBVIOUSLY.
"

I'm super pleased that this time I'm going to Montreal to do Sketchfest. I'm super glad that that's what my life is like right now. I know I keep saying it, but, celebrating small things is something I'm totally into.
Also, it becomes more and more and more clear to me that sense of humour is the only thing I care about in any person at any time.
Being funny is the thing I care about in babes and in friends. The thing.

Anyway, I'll be glad to be seeing this babe in Montreal:
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I took this picture three years ago of Carlos when we were drinking on our friend's balcony there. It's the front staircases and balconies I can't get enough of in Montreal. It's a month further into spring I'll be going this time so I'm excited to see the city getting all green.
Also Carlos was in Toronto when Nic and I formed Tall Sigh and decided to apply for Montreal sketchfest so I'm haaaappy we actually made it happen.

Speaking of Tall Sigh, our Future Mothers Day Party For Future Mothers was super lovely and I had a very nice time and we did a good job. It was stressful as all fuck hosting a show/putting it on/etc. And also doing a show where the audience was almost entirely made up of our very dear friends. But it was great. It was great to get super drunk afterwards when all the stress time was done and Carla Ghee could "DJ" and I could dance so stupid and most people left and I was like "how lucky am I/are we?"
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Best DJ for sure.
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Carla Ghee goes away real soon for a big project (for months!). Luckily I will be visiting her in July but my heart still hurts a bit. I did get to see so much of her this last weekend and we did drink revs on her porch so, I can't be upset really.
If you know me in real life you know that certainly my favourite thing is making my friends be friends with each other and Carla Ghee and Nic are just starting to appreciate each other in a way where I'm like "I knowwwwww you guys are both so funny you go ahead and appreciate each other!"

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Spring spring spring spring. Except right now it's just rain and winds. I'm still not convinced we'll be having a summer.

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Okay Chanel is snoring and it's the cutest sound so I have to go to sleep too. You know, strike while the iron's hot and all.

5.05.2014

May 5

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A whole April slipped past, hey?

Well, happy May to you and to yours and to those who you wish were yours .

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Tomorrow Nic and I are hosting our first sketch show. Tall Sigh is just the two of us, just doing things that we like. We're an improv duo and a sketch team and writing partners.
It's been the nicest, nicest thing lately.
And I kind of assume it will continue being super nice.

Tomorrow, for the first time, we get to put up a whole bunch of pieces we wrote with our own personal brains and we get to show them to a whole bunch of our closest pals and OH MAN, I can't even think of a greater gift for my life right now.
What a treat.

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Learning how to work with Nic has been super interesting. We went through the Second City conservatory program together and worked pretty well together there. We had an improv team with other members in the past. And we've been dear friends for a couple of years.
It's all informing how we work together now, and it's better than I would have expected. We've grown together and we know we're funny, we're getting confident in each other and in ourselves. We're upfront about what we like and don't like, and aren't particularly precious about the work, but do stand our ground for things we like the best. We're open to each other's ideas in the accepting, excited way, and I believe we're working hard not to be competitive and only care-taking.
I love Nic and I think she's honestly one of the funniest people I've met, and in a completely different way than I am. I trust her taste and I know that her success would only mean good things for me and so I wish her every opportunity and success, in our work together and in every other way.

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I've very happy these days. I'm busy in the very best possible way and super challenged by the work I'm doing creatively. Doing work I really care about and being busy with projects... I can't imagine a better life.
We've been really challenging ourselves, setting deadlines and pushing through to find the best things, not settling for what's just okay. Nic packs everything full of jokes in a way that I'm grateful for and fully respect.
We're not geniuses yet. We're not perfect, but if this is what we're starting out with then, holy, I am insanely excited for what we will be making in the next few years. And I'm excited that we're not limiting ourselves in any way right now. Separately and together we both love humour and writing and ideas and story-telling, and finding the right medium for our various thoughts and stories, that's half the fun.

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What a nice life I'm leading.
If you're in Toronto tomorrow (today) May 5th, come to Baltic Ave and then you'll know what I mean about all of this, I bet.

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3.24.2014

March 24

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A good way to stay home is to get a crush that you don't want to see for some reason but is still your #1, and no one seems really any good comparatively. Then you just gotta stay home and do work and not go out looking for babes because who cares.
This is only medium-working for me. I've been out a lot this week but not super late, mostly, and not out looking at babes really, just hanging out with all the good pals. And when I'm home I'm at least considering doing work.

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I sent away a DNA test with Family Tree DNA. As y'all know, I'm born of donor insemination and have no idea anything really about my bio-dad. There's a group of us now who have all found each other who were all born around the same time/had the same doctor/at the same hospital, and all of us are getting testing. There's already one sibling match, and we're hoping for more. More and more people our age, even, are finding out that they have donor fathers (why people keep this from their kids kind of mystifies me, when it comes down to it) and go searching and find us.
I got my DNA test results back but so far no sibling matches. A few second-cousins but nothing very close.
Here's my ethnic breakdown, though, according to my DNA:
How do I feel about all of this?
I don't know. Emotional, but a bit closed-off?
Family stuff is strange because the only thing our bodies are made up of at first is other people.
When I look at my own face I only see my mum's family because that's all I know. And I look just like them, really. But it is strange to consider how one half of my genetic make up came from some weird stranger!

Like, I assume that my donor was the kindest, most beautiful man in the world. But he's actually probably just some guy. Like a regular guy who I quite possibly wouldn't even like.
I'd still like to look at that guy's face for once.

As for siblings... I would very much like to know who they are.
I do feel disappointed that I don't have any matches so far, but I hope I eventually meet people who are related to me on my bio-dad's side. So I'm going to keep assuming I will.

As far as being Spanish? Ha, yeah, I'll take it!
I expected that it would come back as virtually all Orcadian (what they use to mean originated in England/
We know that on my mum's side our family were pretty much in England and Scotland forever, but it's quite possible they originated in Basque or France or Spain, I suppose!
Or maybe I have a tiny French and Spanish father, which would differ from the tall fair bio-dad I have in my mind. It's the mystery of it, guys.


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Chanel. hahaa what a cat!

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I had a sad face after watching an episode of my favourite TV show. I won't even tell you which TV show made me so sad in case you're watching it and you don't know how sad it'll be. I cried.
Not that I don't always cry, I definitely always cry.
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Okay now I'm done avoiding work by writing on here and have to go find another way to avoid it for awhile I guess.

3.16.2014

March 17

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I bought myself this backpack today! My mum gave me Christmas money to buy one but I only just got around to it. I was/am not quite quite certain but I think it's better than the black one I was considering. Because anyone could have a black backpack. Also I see myself wearing this with sundresses as I bike over to the island SO SOON SO SOON SO SOON will it be warm so soon? please god say yes.

I would like to post photos here that I haven't really posted anywhere else, but sometimes it's not that easy also it's hard because my favourite photos go to Instagram (my favourite thing ever is Instagram I love it I try to see every single thing that anyone I follow ever posts on there because I love seeing people's lives).

My cousin said to the internet lately that she hates "selfies" hahahahahahaaaahahaaaa how does she love me, still?
I LOVE SELFIES.
I love seeing people's faces. I do, though, hate the word selfie as I think it devaluates a photo. People have been trying to photograph themselves for years and only now do we have perfect technology for such a pursuit! (thank you, timer app)
I'm glad that my cousin seems to have softened on the subject, even posting a couple of her own wonderfully cute self-portraits. She's right, sometimes someone will be missing your face so you better post a photo of it for them.

(Probably should post a photo of my face here but I don't got the right one)

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Here's a look at our table that isn't done yet but will be soon. Also, look how big Chanel is. What a muppet.

I think a big part of the lack of blogging over the past few years (besides becoming a super social creature who is never ever home) is the mini-blogging that happens now with Twitter, Facebook, Instagram.
For a bit I was trying to say different things on Twitter than on Facebook, but now mostly I just post to both. I'd like to have an overflow of content for all streams but no dice.
It's crazy to me how some days I can have a super pile of ideas for things (not all good, of course) and other times I'll go days without noticing one funny thing. Is it a focusing-in?
Maybe.

I realized after last night's post that I had actually stayed in every night last week (besides evening work shifts) except one. HOW BANANAS. WHO AM I?
I told Flash Gordon and she said "are you alright?"
To be fair, I did drink a lot of wine at home a couple of nights, so... But I've also been productive and feeling right nice about it.
Turkey Bird may not be that enthused to have me around way more often, especially since I interrupt her studying every two seconds to announce a new, terrible sketch idea or to tell her the same story I already told her about my #1 crush.
"oh, you still love his trying-not-to-laugh-face?" "oh, you still think he should date a librarian instead of you?" etc etc etc etc
Sorry sorry sorry (not actually too sorry) I don't actually think she minds yet.

Actually, I just clicked through the internet over to THIS and I laughed so so so so so loud and she's in bed and then I cried with laughter so she may be awake now. And angry.
Also I keep texting her "Barraco Barner" because I saw this tweet on the internet and I love everything about it
I have been whispering Barraco Barner to myself for a full 24 hours now.


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Yesterday I pulled this handfull out of my inside jacket pocket, showed Violet and announced that I was "The Wolf of Wallstreet"

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This is a face that wants to bite me, no kidding. I like her red fur.

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There's only a few minutes in the afternoons when light comes into the narrow alley between my bedroom window and the house next door. It's lovely, but terrifically short. I would pay money to get more light in my room. I love light, I nap better in a sunbeam than anywhere else I can sleep in a room with full sun no problem I love light light light. But my room is dark. Luckily lovely.

Okay, I'm going out now. SO STRANGE.

March 16

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This is what my room look like, kind of. When it's clean. It's never really tidy or anything because I just don't live like that. It's nothing compared to what my disaster has been in the past, though.
I love my little room, it's nothing if not me.
I wonder if I'll stop liking flowers. My roommate, Turkey Bird, does not prefer flower prints! I can't even imagine. Luckily she does prefer real flowers and plants of all kinds. Last week I bought three plants this week she bought three plants, it's getting to be a real plantarium around here.
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Oh I already posted a photo like this? Well, that's dumb but I don't have much to take photos of these days because life is boring and the weather sucks.
I stayed in 4 nights this week which is basically unheard of in my life. I mean, I did go out for hours this afternoon but then I came right home after work.

I saw my best friend, Violet, this afternoon. She is a lawyer which means her life is not like my life at all. I asked her when she'll be having babies I could hold and she said probably not for a couple of years and that made me mad because, Violet, I could have babies by then for chrissakes.
What am I supposed to do with my arms in the interim?

A couple of weeks ago Violet announced that she thought she would never be a bridesmaid. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! Violet does not think I'm going to get married.
Ha, well, does anyone at this point?
She said she just thought I wouldn't have a traditional style bridal party or anything but it turns out she doesn't know me at all because I don't know about traditional but if anyone manages/agrees to be bound to me then I will certainly have all of my 15-20 best friends stand up with me and shout it out loud.

Wait, let me count how many I actually have.
fourteen.
Unless aunts can be bridesmaids, then sixteen.
Boys and brothers and cousins can definitely be bridesmaids that I know.

Wow, no one's going to get themselves into this mess, hey?

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I've got Chanel. Oh wait, no she belongs to Turkey Bird. I'm not worried, to be honest with you. I'm not at the place where I should be settling down. I have too much work to do.
Even with my #1 crushes these days I think, "no thank you you go away for a year or two maybe get a boring girlfriend for a bit and see you later I have to do better work first so you'll see how I am really inside and be so proud"

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Hey here's a doorway in my room. There's two doors one window in here, for you need-to-knows.
I like the banner over the doorway that my cousin made me it wishes everyone good travels on their way out of my life (forever).
I bought those two wood prints in Venice beach and the guy who made them was so handsome!


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I wish I had someone to follow me around taking pictures of me like I've been doing for Nicole. She's a few years younger than my ADULT THIRTY and she has changed a whole lot in the couple of years I've known her. So have I, of course. But, there's something about early-mid-twenties. I miss it/don't ever miss it.
I'm also Nicole's best audience, she has the left-field kind of thinking/humour that I'm most envious of. Most of my thoughts/jokes/ideas are very linear and based in real life, I can tell you exactly why I thought of a thing and it's usually because someone else thought of it first. Am I giving up trade secrets here? Hahaaa oh man no.

Nicole and I are a comedy duo now called Tall Sigh which happened by accident and we did our first show together last weekend and we were like "why aren't we onstage all the time we love being onstage everyone look" and this is the best decision but also a disaster since all we do is hang out and make jokes that only we find funny and laugh and laugh for hours and talk about men full time instead of making actual jokes that actual other people would find funny. Soon. We'll fucking figure it out.

















Nicole and I were (drunkenly) reminiscing about how we were when we first met (we did the conservatory program at Second City together).
Me: I thought we would immediately be best friends and was confused when you didn't reciprocate the feeling
Nic: I thought you were trying to steal everything from me

Being friends with people who are competitive by nature is pretty interesting if one is not a competitive person. It's a negotiation, but neat! I'd like to become more competitive, actually, but instead I'll probably just look at some more pins on pinterest for awhile and think about how much I want to get engaged but also how the idea of a real relationship makes me panicky and wary.

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The nicest thing you can do for a person is post any good pictures you've taken of them.

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Okay, Parkdale moon, I see you. And goodnight.

3.13.2014

March 13


Lovely weather today. If it were Christmas today, I mean.
Yesterday like, what, 12 above? And then 30 below overnight tonight. It's giving-up weather.

Here are some things about lately:


Actra awards a couple weeks ago. I had a really, really fun time. I generally do. I got right drunk and then wandered around looking for my various crushes, found one and made him dance with me and he was a surprisingly good dancer.
Good dancers, man.
If I ever cheat on my husband I hope it's for that reason. "He was just... dancing, man" (I will call my husband "man" only)


My room, lately. I've gotten a lot of stuff up on the walls, finally. It feels much nicer in here to me now. I am such a stuff-person.
"The only thing I like better than stuff? Things!" - my mother

We put the papasan chair back together wrong and we rather like it. WHAT REBELS THIS HOUSE HOLDS!


I never thought I could think a black cat was so beautiful. Does that make me a shallow and terrible person? Certainly it does. Anyhow, I'm proven a decent person by changing, by growing. And now I know the beauty of Chanel. She looks so different to me all the time and her face is just so rude and beautiful! It bites me so much! She's a weird muppet to hold in my arms!
And just look at the tufts of fur between her toes. My favourite.



All I have to take photos of these days is me, Chanel, and my house. It's good not to go out all the time but also I miss it. I'm eager eager desperate for real spring. And even more so for full-summer.
Making out on playgrounds in the middle of the night, and bike rides on the island. Oh holy god it doesn't even seem possible right now.



I was on a date and my date's friend made this bead arrangement and I thought it was surprisingly lovely! I was very pleased.

When said date decided he was done going on dates with me because I'm not the kind of person one tries to settle down with these days and because I wasn't being nice enough. I felt sad (not rightfully sad, selfishly sad) and I took myself on a date to the Communist's Daughter where this guy lives:

If you think to yourself "Meredith, why don't you fall in love with him?" don't worry I've already considered it and will continue considering it for about a million years, I bet. We do love each other, though. And we speak frankly and caringly and he's so nice for a hug. If you had a bartender like this in your life you'd feel better. I'm happy sitting at the counter on my own, writing, drinking red wine and having bits of talks with him. Very happy.


If you are going to get your hair cut I have to recommend more than anyone in the world Melody at Quinn West. She's the only reason I can have short hair. Also Nicole (pictured here) went to see her and then gushed forever about her and also Melody made Nic's hair so glorious that it went straight to her head and she acted extra-bratty all evening because of it (in the best way, really).



I am tired of wintertime-dressing and my wintertime-face. I have a spring face or a fall face. Maybe a summer face, but definitely enough winter face.

View from Dollface's place where I was house-sitting a few weeks ago. A beautiful city.

The light from all of the windows at Dollface's house means that I took all the photos of myself.



I do think my eyes are getting bigger in my old age. I liked my friend's theory that our heads shrivel and so our eyes look bigger. Also all the mascara.

It's nice to recap like this and look at these photos and see how beautiful my life is these days.
I've decided that absolutely no one reads this anymore except my family and maybe two people, so I'm happy enough to write whatever the f I like, which is a supernice treat since all I like is honesty.

It's a really, really nice life I'm leading and I have to listen to that and use that as a place to go from.
Lately it's been hard not to feel less-than and jealous and wanting and especially
nnnnnnot-good-enough

and the truth is that I have plenty of talent and plenty of looks, and my life is just different from every single other person's life. It's not less-than or better-than, it's just mine.
And since I've been happy, since I am happy, and plan to continue being really happy, then I'm doing a good job.

I think sometimes we don't give enough credit just for living well.
What good is any type of success or talent or beauty if you're not enjoying it?

3.12.2014

more california, for ya

There's so many photos from my California trip, here are a few more of them.

this is the face of a lady who is not impressed with all the flights in the world being cancelled.

When we finally did get on a plane we did order a prrrretty sweet snack pack (and several margaritas). Those apricots still live in my purse. I don't know why.

Our Salt Lake City motel room. We went hot-tubbing and then jumped on the beds. So, basically, it was the time of our lives.




To take off a jacket when it has been winter and is suddenly no longer winter.. I can't explain it.

We yelled and jumped and down after getting off the plane and finally being at our actual destination after 36 hours of travel. We were so, so pleased. Just stoked right up.


Our first poolside drinks were beautiful patron margaritas from the friendliest bartender at our hotel. He poured the tequila, looked at us, poured some more. It's like he knew us.


View from our Palm Springs hotel room. It was like a goddamn dream I wish I hadn't woken from.

My uniform for Palm Springs.



It was just me and Carla Ghee together full-time for the first few days of the trip (occasionally accompanied by her film's producer, right) and we started speaking together and finishing each other's sentences and wearing the same outfits by accident (then on purpose).
This brunch place was so great and had bottomless champagne at brunch for $3.99/person. Not kidding. Mimosa city.



everything about Palm Springs seems photoshopped and unreal. And beautiful and lovely. And warm.


Before the screening we had dinner and snuck around the side to where there was a little hotel area and hammocks outside of people's rooms and Carla Ghee immediately got in all of them.

I mean, we all did, really.



I am nowhere near sad here, just bad at photos. We brought so many dresses. It was all we packed, really. And we only wore a few of them.


at the Gay!la party we went to for the Palm Springs film fest we were actually the life of the whole event and constantly talked people into dancing and danced onstage and had an awesome conga line. I like a party with dancing and props (and open bar).


Life by the pool was very hard for me. Just kidding, this was the last day in Palm Springs, so it was rather tough. We were on our way to LA, which was the best, but leaving Palm Springs was nowhere near easy. Especially that day.

This time of year is hard and looking back on this isn't particularly easy. I've only seen Carla Ghee once or twice since coming back and she's going away soon and I don't know what'll happen with our friendship, or even where it's at now. She has her partner anyhow.
My roommate has a new boyfriend and he's her focus now.
Norman spends all of his time writing (big congratulations, in the most sincere way to that guy) these days.
Virtually all of my other friends are married or engaged, and that will always be their priority.

I'm lonely. Not lonely like I don't know enough people-- lonely for a best friend.
Or it's March, or things are changing.

It's weird watching a part of your life coming to an end. I'm not as nostalgia-based as I once was, I'm not as set on holding onto everything, but it's still quite horrific to me. To lose people, to realize I'll never be as important to someone as I'd want to be.

There's possibilities for greatness and newness in change, but it's still something that makes me uncomfortable.

Last time here I said I had changed, but in most ways I'm exactly the same. Exactly the kind of person who expects too much from their friends.
Sometimes it serves me well, sometimes it breaks my heart.

2.27.2014

february/march




I find it interesting that throughout my adult life I've felt that there have been various patterns and things I repeated again and again. And now these days, things feel different.
Different how, I don't quite have that figured out.
Like, I'm assuming that nothing will be the same as it was before.
I was the exact same person for most of my twenties.
And now I am not the exact same, I am growing.





I think about about the stagnation of my mid-twenties. I was the exact same and did the exact same things and talked the exact same for those few years. Is that true?
I wasn't ambitious. I mean, I was, in tiny doses. In small steps. In the theory of being ambitious.



HA! LOOK!
from February 26th 2008:
"This is the time of year where I start dating someone and then it lasts for 3 months or 2 months plus vague continuous involvement. Maybe this year will break the pattern. 
I'm wary of myself mostly. I should stay single. 
Especially after that last involvement where it turned out that I am completely insane and have no concept of actual feelings or what is real. And then I turned out to be really mean. And even when I knew how mean I was being, I didn't stop it." 

From later in that entry:
"We play out patterns until we're through with them?"




From February 26th 2009:
"I've been kind of nostalgic for everything these days. It's February/March/April. 
Otherwise known as my least favourite time of year. The time of year where everything makes me want to collapse. 
I'm missing kisses. And small kindnesses. 
Beaches and fields."

and:
"And yes, I am still on babe break and it is going very well, thank you very much. 
I'm becoming more mature and responsible and self-controlled by the second. "
The second what? the second week?




Now, I don't know how different I am. I feel different.
I feel like I am only now getting a handle on how to be.

I was so hell-bent and bent-set on nostalgia and looking back and being attached to the things I loved.
I feel less like that these days, more willing to keep going, keep doing, get further away from how I was was/things I've loved.
I miss Saskatoon, but more I just miss the people. I don't want to live there again.
I miss California more, I look forward to the point in my life where I get to spend a quick winter in California.

Lately I've been using the word "dynamic" which is a TERRIBLE word. It's so terrible. But could you see what I mean when I say:
"I want a dynamic life"
"I'm becoming a dynamic person"

I've been painfully insecure for so long, and I'm only now getting into the real true idea that this is ALL I have to work with.
Which takes away some of the insecurity for me, makes me feel more at home in this life. Mine mine mine.




The hardest thing, for me, these days is how the things I want are so divided.

husband                                all the babes
babies                                   no responsibilities
crafts                                     fame
wine in the garden                party forever and ever and ever
early mornings                     4am drinking after hours
dinner parties                        tacos in california
hugs                                     making out in alleys
gardening                             pool hopping
a cottage                               world travel
a beautiful home                   an apartment in spain






I dated my upstairs neighbour in the fall for a couple of months and was deeply interested in that situation of the idea of settling down and true love and all the babies and weekend trips away and taking the truck to home depot and something steady to come home to and being taken care of and caring for someone.
Still the idea of all of that sounds appealing, of course.

But there's still the other things.
And so my relief in the breakup was not only to do with the neighbour being the wrong person for me, but also I felt free. And excited about my life again. In a different way.

And for the first time these days I am excited about being single. I've always been good at it, but these days I'm so pleased in it.
I don't feel less-than because of it, I don't feel left out (ha just kidding, I certainly do), I don't feel like I'm missing my husband I haven't met yet (okay, a little bit).
But I don't feel less-than.
Which is the best, best. And I love all the babes and I'm more beautiful than I've been before and just, better.

But, in this, I'm worried about saying no to potentially good things.
Saying no to good men. The kindest handsome men.

I should not be with anyone who is too far in either direction.
There must be people like me.

Being single is not inherently lonely, but society has set it up to be.
I keep getting abandoned by dear friends who don't have time for me because of their lives with their partners. Because of settling down.
Fair, fair.

I don't want someone to settle down with, I want someone to be the best with.

That makes sense! That's the truth of me right now.



2.20.2014

feb

I have to go bowling. I'm going bowling right away here.
Even though it's a rain/snow storm outside. This weather has been nuts. This whole winter is pretty bananas.
And soon it'll be spring and we'll all cry with happiness. That spring is coming soon. Yeah?



I haven't been talking to my mum on the phone in the same way that I used to. Enough, I mean. This makes her sad and me sad but time moves so quickly these days and I'm so social that it's a bit unreal. I can barely remember the time in my life where I used to not leave the house for days in a row. I'll call her more.
I mean, there's still a lot of time I spend facebooking in my bed all day. But it's not the same. All I want is to see everyone and to have the best time with all my friends and all the babes and all the new people and all the strangers. I need much less alone time, much less recovery from fun.
I used to be so much more obnoxious and overwhelming and I would have to recover from that and these days I'm cultivating my social attitude and language and it's serving me well. It's been forever since I've left a social situation and felt bad/used up/overwhelmed/too-much. Which is so very nice!
These days I want to drink forever and laugh forever and wander around forever and hear everyone's new stories and tell everyone the same joke over and over and over again. And be liked and like.



I'm finding my life very fun these days. I'm finding jokes very funny these days. I'm finding a confidence that I've long wished for and have seldom accessed.
If this is what 30 feels like then I am more than happy to live in it and keep living in it.



I have much more to say and I always forget to write.
I'm writing other places though, so at least all the different kinds of stories I got are hopefully all finding places to go.

12.25.2013

finally 30

Hello, I'm 30 now.



I should be sleeping!
Tomorrow is Christmas day! (well, in a few minutes, actually.)
It's been my birthday all day. My 30th birthday. I've had an online diary since I turning 18, I believe.





I wonder sometimes if it's not Christmas I love, so much as all of the build-up.
No, part of Christmas is the build-up. And the parties. And the events and well-wishing.

This year it's felt like it's been Christmas for a whole month already, at least!
This is due mostly to how my Toronto home is the loveliest, warmest, coziest place and we've made it so festive and nice and just a dream to hang out in.
And my roommate feels like home to me and our home feels like home, and Christmas has felt like it's all over my body and heart for weeks.
Maybe that's why I feel a bit sad tonight? That it's almost the end of it again?












I feel sad I think because the holidays are stressful. So much to do, so many different people to see. All the catching up, and the coming face to face with missing everyone. Missing everyone at my other home. Feeling awkward and big and clumsy, like I don't fit properly in Saskatoon these days. Feeling like I would fit back here if I stayed for long enough or came back often enough. It's all stressors that are uncomfortable in.

It hurts my heart to look at my little cousin who is in high school now and think I've missed so much of his growing up.
I'm finding it hard to know how to be a great friend to my friends with young kids, or how to hang out with them. It feels ridiculous that I don't know their kids really.
I don't want to live in Saskatoon anymore.

I always thought I wanted to move back at some point, or at least spend a lot of time here. I would still spend time here, but I don't want to live here. Which is a hard thing to come to terms with.

Life is exciting for me right now and I'm very happy, especially on a day to day basis. I'm just a bit sad right now, I think just because of how overwhelming everything is.
It's funny because as much as I go on about how much I love Christmas, pretty much every year I have a melt down. It makes sense, though. A lot to go through.

And there's sadnesses in this city that I can avoid thinking about in Toronto.
Three of the four cats my mum had had for the past 15 years or so have died, so it's just Adventure Cat here with me, and she's so lovely, but I miss the others quite fiercely.

And other things, bigger sadnesses and missing people that are written all over here. Some streets are hard to go down, some buildings are hard to see.

When I was younger I was built on premature nostalgia, and I was always looking back. Familiarity was king and I loved what I loved and wanted to do the same kinds of things over and over again.
It's an interesting and maybe difficult shift but I'm much more future-thinking these days.
I want new traditions and new places and big adventures and everything everything everything in the world seems right at my fingertips, everything seems just about to happen. And I am trusting my whole self and body and spirit to be good and true and honest and figure out how to make it all work.

But I can still be sad.
If I like, I can be sad occasionally. Or even if I don't like, I bet.

I'm really excited for the next 2/3s of my life. I'm really excited that I'm myself and I get to keep on living as me and seeing what will happen next.

Happy 30th birthday to me.
Happy Christmas and holidays and new year to all all all allll alllll of you who I hold so dear in my heart and arms.

8.21.2013

cottage 2k13

hello!
hi!
I'm at a cottage!
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we rented a cottage for a week and now we're here! finally the time has come for me to relaxasaurus rex all over this damn lake house!
Dollface's parents sold their cottage last year, which broke our hearts (of course) and continues to break our hearts (of course). So I took it upon myself to find a cottage to rent for me and my buds to go to. It's basically unheard of to rent a cottage for just a night or two in Ontario cottage country so we had to book a cottage for a full week. boooo hoooo boo hoo!!!
just kidding! this is the best!
We just got up here today (Tuesday), me and my roommate and cool doing-things-with-lovely lady, Turkey Bird as well as Mrs. as well as another one of my favourite guys who I don't know his nickname on here anymore. Dad? maybe dad. Anyhow he directed the first real short I was in and is just the best.

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The four of us for the next couple days have BIG PLANS
a) sleep/nap
b) eat
c) read
d) write
e) swim
f) relax around for like approximately forever

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on the weekend a million more people are coming and that's going to be oh-so fun and so nice and I am excited to party and skinny-dip and drink with them! best of both worlds, that's the plan.

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is this cottage as nice as Dollface's old cottage? Probably not. Is it amazing in its own right? yeahhhman. The dock is down like a million stairs, which is going to be unsafe when everyone's drinking, but I think it'll be a rational, care-taking household even at the most packed so I'm not too worried. It's a bit of a pain that the water's so far down but it's also ridiculously beautiful. Plus, the more I go up and down them, the more I can count that as exercise for the day!

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I love cottages more than hotels, motels, holiday inns. More than other people's houses. You don't gotta worry about wrecking things and everything is beautiful and mix-matched. Isssssssooooniceee.

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Probably a million more on this later. Sleep time comes early at the cottage so that we can all get up and swim and do yoga on the dock and eat all our snacks and nap and oohhhh man. What a dream. What a sweet dream.

7.30.2013

from here to there (I should be sleeping)

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it's almost moving day!
it's almost moving day!
so so so many goddamned things to pack still!
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I'm feeling a great deal of anger towards every person who has ever given me a thing. All these things? I now have to move these things! So many things!
Nah, man, I love my things. I make Turkey Bird a bit nervous with how much I love my things and how many things I own!

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Turkey Bird and I are moving to Parkdale. We found a main floor apartment with a backyard as big as a farm!!!!! it's so big!
We are going to buy hammocks and maybe a slip'n'slide and we'll have fires in our firepit. YES WE WILL THANKS.

I'm feeling a slight melancholy about leaving the Ossington Dreamhome, but it's made better by having such a beautiful space to look forward to. A new neighbourhood (right beside Carla Ghee and her mister, even!) and new things to decorate and explore.

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It's been a good run here, though. I don't know if I'll ever have a bedroom as beautiful as this one again. And having a million roommates has been exactly what I needed.

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When I moved out from living on my own for 7 years I was looking to have people around, learn conflict resolution skills, not freak out if people touched my shit. That sort of thing.
I've grown oh-so much in these past 2 years. I would recommend roommates to anyone! Even the hard parts, because it's learning and figuring out ways of being.

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It's been so nice and so challenging, and so many changes. And for more than a year now it's been the same us four here and that's been great. I'm going to miss Cpt. Heh SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, even though he drives me BANANAS like whoa.
I'm glad that he and I got to live together at some point in our lives because I've considered him a best friend for so long and it was nice to be close again and know each other. Aw aw aw.
(also I'm still annoyed because he doesn't do anything and drinks all my apple juice hahahhaaa)

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what times we've had! what a beautiful life! I honestly wouldn't trade any of this (jk tiny parts of it for sure were no good!).

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Photo on 2012-02-29 at 17.20 #2
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moving day June 1st two years ago. Crazy! I had no idea what to expect in this place. I have no idea what to expect in this new home. I am ridiculously excited for it, though, and to have Turkey Bird by my side and taking care of me like I take care of her. Thanks craigslist for delivering Turkey Bird into my life. And thanks universe for getting us our cool new Parkdale farm!

Pictures to come soon, just as soon as we get there!

p.s. --- we have a dishwasher and a working fireplace!!!!!!!!!!!!!