I find it interesting that throughout my adult life I've felt that there have been various patterns and things I repeated again and again. And now these days, things feel different.
Different how, I don't quite have that figured out.
Like, I'm assuming that nothing will be the same as it was before.
I was the exact same person for most of my twenties.
And now I am not the exact same, I am growing.
I think about about the stagnation of my mid-twenties. I was the exact same and did the exact same things and talked the exact same for those few years. Is that true?
I wasn't ambitious. I mean, I was, in tiny doses. In small steps. In the theory of being ambitious.
from February 26th 2008:
"This is the time of year where I start dating someone and then it lasts for 3 months or 2 months plus vague continuous involvement. Maybe this year will break the pattern.
I'm wary of myself mostly. I should stay single.
Especially after that last involvement where it turned out that I am completely insane and have no concept of actual feelings or what is real. And then I turned out to be really mean. And even when I knew how mean I was being, I didn't stop it."
From later in that entry:
"We play out patterns until we're through with them?"
From February 26th 2009:
"I've been kind of nostalgic for everything these days. It's February/March/April.
Otherwise known as my least favourite time of year. The time of year where everything makes me want to collapse.
I'm missing kisses. And small kindnesses.
Beaches and fields."
"And yes, I am still on babe break and it is going very well, thank you very much.
I'm becoming more mature and responsible and self-controlled by the second. "
The second what? the second week?
Now, I don't know how different I am. I feel different.
I feel like I am only now getting a handle on how to be.
I was so hell-bent and bent-set on nostalgia and looking back and being attached to the things I loved.
I feel less like that these days, more willing to keep going, keep doing, get further away from how I was was/things I've loved.
I miss Saskatoon, but more I just miss the people. I don't want to live there again.
I miss California more, I look forward to the point in my life where I get to spend a quick winter in California.
Lately I've been using the word "dynamic" which is a TERRIBLE word. It's so terrible. But could you see what I mean when I say:
"I want a dynamic life"
"I'm becoming a dynamic person"
I've been painfully insecure for so long, and I'm only now getting into the real true idea that this is ALL I have to work with.
Which takes away some of the insecurity for me, makes me feel more at home in this life. Mine mine mine.
The hardest thing, for me, these days is how the things I want are so divided.
husband all the babes
babies no responsibilities
wine in the garden party forever and ever and ever
early mornings 4am drinking after hours
dinner parties tacos in california
hugs making out in alleys
gardening pool hopping
a cottage world travel
a beautiful home an apartment in spain
I dated my upstairs neighbour in the fall for a couple of months and was deeply interested in that situation of the idea of settling down and true love and all the babies and weekend trips away and taking the truck to home depot and something steady to come home to and being taken care of and caring for someone.
Still the idea of all of that sounds appealing, of course.
But there's still the other things.
And so my relief in the breakup was not only to do with the neighbour being the wrong person for me, but also I felt free. And excited about my life again. In a different way.
And for the first time these days I am excited about being single. I've always been good at it, but these days I'm so pleased in it.
I don't feel less-than because of it, I don't feel left out (ha just kidding, I certainly do), I don't feel like I'm missing my husband I haven't met yet (okay, a little bit).
But I don't feel less-than.
Which is the best, best. And I love all the babes and I'm more beautiful than I've been before and just, better.
But, in this, I'm worried about saying no to potentially good things.
Saying no to good men. The kindest handsome men.
I should not be with anyone who is too far in either direction.
There must be people like me.
Being single is not inherently lonely, but society has set it up to be.
I keep getting abandoned by dear friends who don't have time for me because of their lives with their partners. Because of settling down.
I don't want someone to settle down with, I want someone to be the best with.
That makes sense! That's the truth of me right now.